As most folks know, I come from a pleasant, and mostly normalish family that has been slaughtering for God and country for over a Thousand Years. What some do not know is that one of my most gloriously dead ancestors slew the 'worm' of York. Which for the film freak is the fundamental basis for that fantastically funny little film Lair Of The White Worm. ( Which is a Cultural Must See Flick! )
A central part of the reason that I keep trying hard, and desperately failing, to get into the current national anxiety festival over the need to have absolutely more security provided by the NannyState, rests not only on my prior work, but the misfortunes of not being on full alert when the Dark Veil Parted.
It was a usual day, like most days, and I was at my usual sense of angst and ennui. I of course did not really think anything specifically tragic was going to occur, when it did. They showed up. The Dragon Hit Squad.
No, I do not mean some Chop-Saki Asian Youth Gang Wannabes', nor the USMC's cute little ATGM teams. I Mean IT, quite literally. The Dragon Hit Squad. Suddenly there were these two dragons - you know, wings, claws, FANGS, tales - scaley skin - the works. Seems that they were sent to do me in for the sins of my dead ancestor. But there was a Glitch.
I say, "A Glitch?"
Well, there seems to be this little technical issue that who ever does the paper work management at the Dragon Hit Squad Management Oversight Committee seems to have to work out. So while they are doing that, I am now saddled with "seymore and sheldon". On a good day they are the 'bert and ernie' of the dragon hit squads. This was not a Good Day. Nope, today they were doing their "bluntman and chronic" recovering from what clearly was a desperate effort to burn up what ever sort of 'per diem' they got for this gig.
For thirty years of my life I have complained to my friends about my general fear of getting waxed by some ignorant ideological wingnut with no professional skills as a Paid Killer. But I was wrong! No! I get saddled with the Slacker Generation of Dragons who were suppose to do this a long time ago, but, well they just had a hard time getting off the Bus. Seymore explains that he is the real reason for that whole "Puff The Magic Dragon" thing. They had thought they would do the summer of love, you know, do a little vestile virgin action, and well.... there weren't a lot of them around, and then they got baked, on the bus, and well....
Right. I get to be baby sat by the Galxtic WingNutters. Boy has my Kharma CLEARLY taken a stumble on the big Pherris Wheel.
Needless to say we had some time on our hands. At which point Seymore decided to expand on a part of the fundamental problem, as he saw it. Which is ever so nice. I mean in the classical tale telling, the Sinister Bad Guy is suppose to reveal their dark sinister plot for Global Domination. But in this case, well, I got to pick up on the 'other side of the story'. Trust me, one starts learning that there are 'other sides' as one wanders through life. Growing up I was of course heir to all of the "boy stories", since as a family, we wind up with only one NonMalePerKin per generation, so there is generally not much that we learn about their collection of stories. Unless of course one happens to be the Lucky Gene Pool Winner. At which point the NonMalePerKin pass along the "Girl's Tales". In most cases, well, they are merely the mirror reflection of the tales we have always been told.
Normally it is the story about how Herr Glorious Ancestor would shoot into the barn yard to pick off chickens - but this time told from the vantage point of Frau Glorious Ancestor - and with the technical details not about how great a shot it was. But how the dynamics of the relationship worked. Stuff like that.
Well, the 'other side' here sort of wound up smacking me in the face, almost literally. Never stand too close to a Stoner Dragon, they tend to twitch weirdly at time. Just a word of advice, in case you wind up so unlucky as to get Seymore And Sheldon sitting on your reality space.
It seems that there is this totally not talked about part of the family tree and tradition. I mean this was worser than when the fine folks wound up figuring out that for a bunch of uppity social climbers, we were blood kith and kin to former slaves who were working the 40 Acres and A Mule. It is the sort of story that one just does not go parading around in public much. But well, I guess I should come clean, now that I understand it.
I knew that Grandmother had marched with the Suffragettes, but I sorta always layed that off on the unpleasantries of the Whiley Wanton Ways of the Woman Folk who decide that it is their God Given Duty to take advantage of Shy, Naive, Quiet Waifly Ones. What I didn't know is that there is a blood line problem in it all. Seems that once upon a time, a long, long, long time ago, one of my female ancestors was Disinclined to be 'fit and proper' and was not at all supportive of the Idea of having virgin sacrifices. Or as Seymore noted:
"So when they decided to fix the problem, they just did not count on what sort of woman she was. It took a bit to get her trussed up for a nice cute little Snack. But, well, when they left, she was PISSED! Seriously PISSED! And she was having none of this with playing the demuir little girl, or the prom scream queen..."
At which point of course, Seymore wandered off, as his little brain would from time to time about the silliest little things that would catch his flightly little fantasy. The boy had basically two things on his mind, and how in God's Green Earth they got him on the Dragon Hit Squad.... Oh, What IS it about the decline and fall of the Dragon Empire...
But anyway, it turns out that the Great Dragon who showed up, was amused at her pluck and spunk - and made a Major Mistake. He thought he was big enough to keep her as a cute little pet. WRONG ANSWER BUCKWHEAT! No sooner had he untied her, than she, to use Seymore's turn of phrase, "Bitch Slapped Him Back To His Lizardly Youth!" At which point she seems to have decided to take charge of the situation and apparently opted to lose her virginity to a Dragon, which seriously blew his little brains out.
It seems that most of the folks figured she had been eaten, as would be an appropriate understanding. Then some charletan majician showed up and exorcised the demon! But what really happened was that she had decided to take her new boyfriend on a bit of a travel about. I mean I don't blame him, really. I mean if I were to meet the sort of young woman who could "Bitch Slap" me back to my Lizardly Youth, i'd run off with her as well. Which we all agreed was a reasonable enough approach to these things. But it also seems to be a part of the Glitch In The Process.
You see, the reason that we have so few NonMalePerKin is because of this one woman, and well, the fact that there is this small genetic defect. A reasonable enough trade in all of this I guess. Since by the time we had been hanging out and getting all of this sorted out Sheldon got the Call. The Hit was off. Great! What Now?
Well, they didn't get a new contract. So from time to time, and at times often inappropriately, I wind up getting the two of them showing up and trying to explain to me what they have planned, and where they are thinking about going. The usual sort of freaking Stoner Story about two dragons whom I am afraid are Never REALLY going to grow up and be responsible.
Dragons these days, wasn't like that when I was growing up...